Cover of Twilight (Twilight, Book 1)
(music starts)
Rapper: Coming straight from fan fiction, take it back to 2008, way before this thing called "Twilight" became great, this story is about vampires, werewolves, and magic, the biggest fan fiction that needs explaining!
Harry: H to the A to the double R-Y! I'm Harry Potter, y'all, and I'm gonna get big! Got kicked through the veil by Bellatrix Lestrange, now I'm in a whole new world, gotta fight to survive! Lil'Jack and Red Ron, yeah, they're my little crew, but something very bad is coming after you; Iusalevand Sinbone, you call him LSB! His evil posse, they don't just suck out all your blood! I don't know how it's all gonna go down, but to stop him, I must join forces with everyone from this book!
Girls: It's Twilight, it's Twilight, it's Twilight!
Rapper: (Vampires!) You know they wanna get Bella, they try to beat her up and down and sideways, but when she and Harry run, LSB and his crew chase them all day (all day)! No time to reload, better grab your stakes and crosses, and shoot your garlic bombs, because in this world, you gotta survive!
Girls: It's Twilight, it's Twilight, it's Twilight!
D.J.: Hold up, wait a minute, let me get this gun reloaded; Hold up, wait a minute, let me get this gun reloaded!
Bella: Yeah, the "Big Bee" I am; I roll with Harry, Ed, and Jake! Bad vampires run around us all the time, and we turn them into a pile of ashes! Oh what's this, you think you're better than me? You think YOU can take down LSB? Well come on, I'll slap you down to size; my name is Bella Swan, you better recognize! (recognize!) Yeah, staking vampires, taking names, Calvernstone thinks he's got more game...vampire, please! This joker is just sad, and his boss is nothing more than a wannabe Dracula! Oh yeah, dude, you know that's true, just watch as Harry throws soup at you...you turn pink! Now that's a crying shame! Now I'll smack you with this lantern as we say my book's name!
Girls: It's Twilight, it's Twilight, it's Twilight!
Rapper: (Werewolves!) You know they wanna get Bella, they try to beat her up and down and sideways, but when she and Harry run, LSB and his crew chase them all day (all day)! No time to reload, better grab your stakes and crosses, and shoot your garlic bombs, because in this world, you gotta survive!
Girls: It's Twilight, it's Twilight, it's Twilight!
D.J.: This next part goes out to those who are offended because Jacquel Romanov was not mentioned, she could have ended this once and for all, no need to call the Volturi, just...(scene changes to reveal Michael Calvernstone attacking 15-year-old Jacquel)
Calvernstone: Hey, little girl, want some candy?
Jacquel: What the F-ARF are you doing at Hogwarts? How old do you think I am? I want you to go away, you stupid jerk! (Calvernstone protests) Shut up, you ugly excuse for a Nosferatu! Go on, get outta here! Don't make me use my wand!
Calvernstone: I have your friend here and...(Jacquel zaps him)
Jacquel: AVADA KEVADRA! (Calvernstone falls down dead. J.K. Rowling shows up)
J.K. Rowling: My goodness, are you all right?
Jacquel: No, I'm not all right! You know what, we're done here! I'm quitting magic for good. (to Dobby) Dobby, get me Stephenie Meyer on the phone; I'd like to negotiate a deal with her.
Harry: That's it? You're walking out on us?
Jacquel: Yeah. I'm getting too old for this crap.
Rapper: But that's no fun to write about! (music begins)
Harry: Yeah, 2008, baby! (Jacquel and Ron dance) We've got a big change up in here! Now where is my vampire cape?
Rapper: Where the cape at? Where the cape?
Harry: Something Wicked This Way Comes, now you Don't Hold Back! Take us out, Dobby! (Dobby plays accordion as the song ends)
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