The Roasting of Frodo Baggins
As seen on Fantasy Central
December 18, 2011
(laughter erupts from the Party Field in the Shire. There is a large group of people on stage sitting in the bleachers. Frodo Baggins is sitting on a huge chair in the middle of the stage. There are many more people in the audience, both Hobbits and humans. Saruman is at the microphone telling crazy jokes about Frodo.)
Saruman: I don't know why, but somehow, a little Hobbit has destroyed a ring when I could have done it myself. (audience laughs) Frodo, you've beaten me so many times, it's like I'm so old that I went to high school with Gandalf...wait, I already have! (audience laughs and applauds. Sam Gamgee goes to the microphone)
Sam: Thank you, Saruman, for those rather touching jokes. And next up, we have Percy Jackson from "Percy Jackson & the Olympians"! (audience applauds as Percy goes to the microphone)
Percy: Frodo, you may be a little Hobbit, but you had the guts to do what you did. If it were me, I'd hand the ring to Kronos and have him and Sauron duke it out while we watch.
Luke: Which would be a bad idea because then other bad guys would jump in claiming the ring and then they would all be in a fight. You would have destroyed every villain in fantasy without even knowing it.
Frodo: And yet, life would be kind of ironic, seeing as the ring is still there and the bad guys are not.
Sam: That would be freaky...(just then, a very rude guest cuts in)
Megatron: Hey, this is unfair! I want to roast Frodo too! Why can't I join in?
Frodo: Because you would insult all humanity and try to make us all slaves. So there!
Megatron: I hate you, you annoying little rabbit!
Laurent: Hey, I resent that remark!
Sam: Let's move on, shall we? The next person to roast Frodo shall be Eragon from the Inheritance Cycle. (audience applauds as Eragon goes to the microphone)
Eragon: I don't know why I'm saying this, but your lack of dragons is insulting. I have never been so angry at the Lord of the Rings as I am now. Your uncle was an idiot for getting that dragon killed when he could have rode it into battle and fried all those orcs...
Danny: Hey, shut up! You have no right to insult him for what his uncle did! His uncle is a hero and they both deserve your respect!
Eragon: And what about you, Little Miss Dragon Bitch? You think you're so special just because you happened to hatch three dragons...
Drogo: Hey, bub, how dare you insult my wife! You have no clout!
Sam: I don't know about you, but what I do know is that some people just love to bash the past. Ok, next up, she may not have faced a dragon, but I know she's been through more crap than most normal girls. Please welcome Lyra Belacqua! (audience applauds as Lyra goes to the microphone.)
Lyra: Frodo, I know for a fact that you have faced many dangers, but still, facing the prospect of failure is enough to motivate even the most doubtful of people. And for that, I salute you.
Eragon: Really? You're saying that you'd rather pay homage to a Hobbit than to a brave Dragon Rider who saved his country from an evil tyrant?
Percy: Oh, please! You call yourself a hero? Well, I'm not buying that for a second! You have to get your stupid dumbass in danger and everyone wants to use you for their own ends!
Katniss: At least I take care of my own issues without the help of a dragon! Dragons are for pussies!
Aragorn: Yeah! And also, the hero gets the girl; but you ended up with a dragon. What kind of guy are you?
Frodo: Is this the Frodo Roast or the Eragon Bash?
Merry: Don't worry. Pippin and I will take care of this. (goes to microphone, where the roasters are hurling insults at each other and claps two microphones together. The arguing stops as everyone covers their ears to block the annoying sound.) Well, for all your yelling at Eragon, you're forgetting that Frodo is strange in his own way.
Pippin: I mean, you should see his ring collection. He has a ring fetish! (audience laughs)
Frodo: Pippin!
Merry: And there's also that thing with Sam. I bet they're gay for each other, if you know what I mean...
Sam: Really, Merry? You just HAD to announce that to everyone here?
Merry: Well, what else explains why you two are so fricking close?
Pippin: I bet they enjoy sharing the same bed...
Audience: Ooooohhhh...
Sam: That's quite enough, you two! So Frodo has a thing for rings, why would he not? I think he regrets throwing away the One Ring, even though he did and saved Middle Earth. And as for the gay thing, I believe that Merry and Pippin are rather insane for saying such things as that. It's not like we short guys don't have a love life. Speaking of short people, the next speaker may not have a nose, but I'm sure he has more guts in his feet than the rest of you have in your own bodies. Please welcome Tyrion Lannister from "Game of Thrones"! (audience applauds as Tyrion goes to the microphone)
Tyrion: Frodo, Frodo, Frodo, what can I say about you? You must have had some serious guts to do what you did or you're rather foolish. But enough of that. Sometimes, I wonder if you seriously knew what you were getting yourself into when you took that quest; I certainly would have requested another person to do it, namely my brother Jaime...
Jaime: Oh come on, Tyrion, really?
Tyrion: Yes, really! Hopefully, that'll keep you away from our bitch of a sister! (Cersei growls at him) Anyway, back to my original thought: your story has set the standards for all fantasy stories, though none of them will ever attain the status that the Lord of the Rings has in terms of popularity...(here, he is rudely interrupted by Harry Potter, who forces his way onto the stage)
Harry: Oh ha ha ha ha ha! Everybody *LOVES* Frodo! He's the big-time hero! But what about me? I'm Harry Potter, the greatest fantasy character ever!
Charlie Bone: Yeah right! You suck and your books are nothing but crap!
Harry: But why does everyone think that Frodo is great? I should be the hero! After all, I do magic, I beat a bad guy, I even get a girl...
Meggie: No you don't; you just get someone else's sister! (several people boo and hiss)
Harry: Oh what do you know, you stupid bookworm? It's not like you can't read up a guy who's so much better than me!
Meggie: I don't need to; in fact, he's right up on stage in front of you!
Katniss: Frodo is so much better than you!
Danny: I concur.
Harry: But...but I'm better than him! I'm smarter than him! I'm bigger than him!
Bella: Not where it counts! (audience laughs)
Sam: Harry, I think you need to leave now. (at this, two security guards arrive and firmly escort Harry off the stage) I guess someone's popularity just took a nosedive after the "Hunger Games" trailer was released, huh? (audience laughs) And now we have a final word from Frodo...(Frodo goes to the microphone)
Frodo: Thank you everyone for your off-colored jokes about me. And now I must say, I may have been the It Boy for the past 50 years, but that doesn't mean that my story can't influence many more generations of readers. But what I see up here on stage is rather astounding: some creepy trolling wizard, a pissy dragon boy, a girl who's obsessed with vampires, and a dwarf who can't even come up with a good joke to save his life. I must be on some kind of crack reality show or something like that. Just remember how and why you got to where you are now... because of me! Payce out, y'all! (he leaves the stage. applause from audience. Credits roll)
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