The Roast of Harry Potter
As seen on Fantasy Central
July 15, 2011
Katniss: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Fantasy Central Roasting! I'm Katniss Everdeen of the "Hunger Games" and we're coming to you live from the Great Hall at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry! Magic? Say what, now? (audience laughs) Anyway, get ready for the roasting of the century because we'll be roasting the one and only Harry Potter! (applause from audience as Harry is brought in by Bella Swan of Twilight and Farid of Inkheart. He is tied up and has a strip of duct tape across his mouth.) Bella, what's up with the mouth guard?
Bella: Well, I guess that Harry was so cheap that he didn't pay attention to the fine print in the contract. (audience laughs)
Farid: And he never should have signed that gag order in the first place.
Katniss: Indeed. And since our guest of honor can't speak for himself, please feel free to rag on him as much as you like! So are we ready to get this roast going? (audience cheers) Let's get started then! (Bella and Farid drag a protesting Harry to his seat as someone comes to the microphone)
Lucy: Harry, you are like a total douche. In fact, I know some animals that are better than you! (audience laughs)
Pippin: Out of all the idiots that I have known over the years, you are like the king of the idiots! (audience laughs)
Jacob: Harry, look at you. I totally should have imprinted on you and prevented this "crapilogue" that everyone keeps talking about. (audience laughs)
Eragon: You have no dragons in your story, you don't really beat the bad guy, you act like a whiny bitch, you have no sex appeal, and you suck. (audience laughs) Also, Malfoy never really hated you; he just couldn't stand your ugly FACE! (audience laughs)
Lyra: Harry, you're so pathetic that not even the alethiometer could tell me how to help you. (audience laughs)
Edmund: Harry Potter suffers from acute hero syndrome, which means that he wants to be the hero even when no one else wants him to become one! (silence from audience)
Katniss: Uh, this is supposed to be a roast.
Edmund: But I thought we were on "Intervention"! (audience laughs)
Percy: Harry Potter sucks so much that not even the power of Zeus can help him! (audience laughs)
Aro: We are the Volturi...
Caius: We are the greatest...
Marcus: We're the best vampires in the world.
Aro: But he can't say the same for his story because there are no vampires in his story.
Caius: But there are werewolves. UGH!!
Marcus: None of this matters because we just don't like you at all.
Audience: Ooooooohhhhh!!!
Katniss: Uh, where's the punch line? You guys need to tell a real joke about him.
Caius: Why should we? His whole face is a joke! (audience laughs)
Sansa: Going along the lines of that, I must say that that scar on his head is a total fake! (audience laughs) I mean, I like real guys who have real scars on their faces, as in their evil older brothers shoved their heads into the fire and all...
Sandor: It's true. My brother is a jerk. But I can't say the same for him, since that scar looks like it was drawn using a Sharpie! (audience laughs)
Artemis (Fowl): If I had a dollar for every time that Harry Potter was mentioned in the news, I'd have enough money to buy out his writer! (audience laughs)
Jace: Harry Potter thinks that he's all that and a bag of chips, but I'm Jace Wayland and I say that his story is so lame that not even a demon would dare approach him at all! (audience laughs)
Draco: Ok, everyone, so Harry isn't your perfect hero. I mean, who is? Also, I say that because of him, I have to be referred to as Harry Potter's Slave, since he treats me like I'm a total jerkface! (audience laughs) All I wanted was to be his friend, but then he turned around and threw it back in my face! So what does this say about your hero now?
Audience: Oooooohhhhh!!
Draco: I'm not finished yet! Harry Potter, you're so arrogant that you made my father look better than Fabio! (audience laughs)
Sansa: I just remembered something: why does Harry Potter look like John Lennon? I mean, he looks like that famous Beatle instead of a regular kid. Glasses? Round-shaped glasses? C'mon! Those things were so 1970's! What a shame that fame doesn't make you look good! (audience laughs)
Aria: Well, I bet that if "A" were to send Harry a text, he'd go all ballistic and try to hex everyone whose name starts with "A". Starting with that Dumbledore guy. (audience laughs)
Annabeth: Harry Potter saves the world and gets someone's little sister? Can you say ick? (audience laughs)
Meggie: I tried to read the Harry Potter books once, but it felt like I was just reading gibberish because nothing in the books came to life! (audience laughs)
Zoey Redbird: Harry, I heard that your last movie bombed so hard that it brought about someone else's comeback! (audience laughs)
Alex Rider: How dare Harry Potter call himself great when I kick butt and take names! (audience laughs)
Hermione: OK, everyone, why are you ragging on him? I get it, I get it, Harry has done some stupid things in his life!
Audience: Get on with it!
Hermione: Anyway, he doesn't know how to treat people right. I mean, what's with the "human hosepipe" remark? That line sent Cho packing when he needed her the most. And don't even get me started on Ginny, OK?
Ron: Hermione has accused me of having the emotional range of a teaspoon, but I can freely say that Harry's level of love and compassion is at a -50%.
Audience: Ooooohhhh!
Katniss: What a shame; Harry is being ragged on by his closest friends. Speaking of which, I'd like to call up some people who have had the displeasure of being overlooked by Harry Potter fans.
Violet: Harry Potter thinks his life is messed up because of a bald guy. I have to deal with an evil count whose eye followed you everywhere. (audience laughs)
Legolas: Harry's little friend is an elf named Dobby. Like seriously! I'm an elf! He's just a poor excuse for a goblin! (audience laughs) He's no Gollum, but Dobby is quite annoying! (audience laughs)
Max: Harry goes to a magic school? Sheesh Louise! I go to an even better school than him! (audience laughs)
Billy (Raven): Speaking about that, I go to a school that deals with fine arts, but the real deal is our endowments, which Harry doesn't have because he has no real magical powers! (audience laughs)
Gale: If Harry were to compete in the Hunger Games, I bet that he'd be beaten down before the first 5 minutes are over! (audience laughs)
Katniss: Well, I guess what we mean to say is that Harry just isn't all that great if we are roasting him, right? (audience laughs) So anyway, I guess we'll have a few words from our wonderful guest of honor. (applause from audience as Bella rips the duct tape from Harry's mouth)
Harry: Oh hahahahaha! Is that what everyone actually thinks of me? As a loser? Well, I have news for you: my story roocks and yours suck!
Sansa: How?
Harry: Because I'm Harry Potter!
Tyrion: Oh, Harry, you think you're all cool, but I'm Tyrion Lannister and I'm even cooler than you are!
Audience: Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh!
Tyrion: And guess what? I may be a dwarf, but at least I can make up for it by spouting awesomeness at any given moment. And you can't. So who's the real genius now? Not you, that's for sure! (audience laughs)
Harry: Well, why are you all snapping on me? If it weren't for me, then you wouldn't be here, right?
Frodo: Sorry Harry, but I was here first.
Tim Hunter: So was I.
Charlie Bone: And in thanking you for ruining our lives just to make yours so great, I must say this (a tank appears): TANKS FOR NOTHING!!! (A huge snake slithers out of the tank and chases Harry, Ron, and Hermione. they run off the stage screaming their heads off)
Katniss: Well, we never saw this coming, or did we...say what? (audience laughs) Well, I'm Katniss Everdeen and this has been the roasting of Harry Potter! See you later! (applause from auidence. scene fades to black. credits roll)
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