Friday, February 24, 2012

How "Game of Thrones" Should Have Ended...(the Fellowship of the Ring Edition)

The eponymous Fellowship from left to right: (...
Image via Wikipedia
Well, here's how the story could have ended:

(takes place during Ned's execution)

Cersei: Well, Ned, you tried to expose some rather outrageous secrets about my family. Now why would you do that?

Eddard: Hmmm...your concept of family is rather astounding when you take a look at it. I guess it all boils down to family, am I right?

Cersei: Well...

Eddard: And I do know for a fact that it's our families that keep us right.

Crowd: Get on with it!

Eddard: And I say this to you, Cersei: you have messed with the wolves, now you shall face their teeth and claws!

Cersei: What???

Eddard: I have some friends who I'd like you to meet...(Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli show up as the Fellowship of the Ring theme plays. The crowd watches the scene unfold with total awe.)

Aragorn: Cersei Lannister, I heard that you've been messing with Boromir and his family!

Gimli: Now experience the wrath of the Fellowship of the Ring!

Cersei: Oh what's this? Another stupid dwarf?

Gimli: I'm no stupid dwarf!

Cersei: I'm going to have you beheaded after I get done with him! (points to Ned/Boromir)

Legolas: (draws out a bow and arrow) You would die before your stroke fell!

Aragorn: And by the way, incest is a sin! You're a disgrace to queens everywhere! (slaps Cersei across the face. She runs off weeping. The others take off in fear)

Eddard: Yo, thanks a lot, guys! How did you find me?

Aragorn: I saw it being posted up on Facebook. Some kid named Joffrey wrote down "I'm gonna chop off Ned's head no matter what they do or say!"

Eddard: Indeed.

Gimli: Let's teach that boy a lesson! Nobody messes with our friend and lives.

Legolas: And no one messes with Gimli or I'll destroy them!

Aragorn: Speaking of which...(to Joffrey) You call yourself a king? You're not a good king if you go around chopping off people's heads for no reason!

Joffrey: Well, he tried to deny me as king.

Eddard: Well, you're not really the king's son, so no, you can't be king.

Joffrey: WHAT???

Eddard: When you play the game of thrones, be careful, lest your secrets come out and you'll be disgraced.

Joffrey: Sansa, you believe me, right?

Sansa: Your mom spanks the nasty with your uncle? That's gross!

Joffrey: C'mon, you really don't believe that rumor.

Sansa: Well, I don't know what to believe anymore!

Arya: I knew it! I always knew that you were a no-good dirty rotten little piece of...(Sansa glares at her) You make Draco Malfoy look like a Catholic School boy!

Joffrey: Look, I'm the king here and...

Arya: Screw you being king! I ought to have your head for that! (just then, the police show up, led by Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin)

Frodo: Yup, that's him. Right over there. The ugly-faced blond-haired guy. (the police arrive and take Joffrey away)

Joffrey: I can't believe you! After all I did for you, you're just going to leave me high and dry!

Arya: It's no less than what you deserve! Our country deserves better than the likes of you! 

Eddard: Now who's going to become king now that we practically blurted out Joffrey's scret and he can no longer claim the crown?

Aragorn: Where's Gandalf?

(in another land)

Dany: You think you can help him?

Gandalf: Of course. Why would you need her (points to the witch) when you can have a real wizard? And besides, his injuries aren't so bad, he just needs medicine.

Dany: You sure?

Gandalf: Well, I am a wizard. Let's heal him up; he's got an entire country to conquer.
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Chapter 2 of Don't Hold Back

After a few hours of driving, I woke up at a beach house. Edward was standing by the door staring at me. He said, "I take it that you have recovered?"

"Yes," I said as I sat up in bed. I was feeling a whole lot better, but I wasn't fully recovered yet. Edward said, "Let me make you something to eat then."

I frowned as I tried to force myself out of bed. Edward quickly scooped me up and carried me to the kitchen, where I happily ate everything but the kitchen sink.

Edward then said, "Would you like to sit out on the balcony and look at the ocean?" I nodded and he set me on a sofa that was facing the ocean. I found myself growing sleepy, but I still wanted Edward. He smiled and then wrapped a quilt around me so I wouldn't be too cold.

"Where are we?" I asked, curious about where we were. It never occurred to me that we could be miles from Forks; but then again, Edward was a vampire and vampires don't sleep. He could drive me just about anywhere in the country and I wouldn't mind at all.

Just as long as I was with him.

"We're in Lake Tahoe, California," said Edward. "I brought you here so you can recover and we can celebrate our union quietly. Carlisle suspects something, but we can't give him too many ideas. The rest of the family cannot know about us. At least not yet."

I frowned, wondering about how the others would react to Edward and I being...together.

-----

(normal POV)

"Where is Edward?" Esme cried out as she scoured the entire Cullen house looking for Edward.

"I don't know," said Emmett. "He said he had things to take care of. What they are, I don't know."

Carlisle walked into the room, saying, "Harry Jameson has gone missing as well and no one has seen him."

"Really?" said Esme. "I wonder why."

Everyone in the Cullen house was shocked; both Harry and Edward were gone and no one knew where they had went. If they had known the truth about what had happened between the boys, then they would be even more shocked.

Carlisle knew that something wasn't right with this. He was determined to find out the truth about Harry and Edward.

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Fighting on the Docks of Port Angeles

The Cullens as portrayed in New Moon: (from le...
Image via Wikipedia

THE HARBOR-PORT ANGELES

After the drinks were consumed, Churnkins said, "How's about we go teaching those jerks a lesson?" Everyone agreed and Namard said, "Those fools have no rights to be messin' with us!"

Jacquelyn said to them, "Remember the last time we confronted the Volturi? I had to hand myself over to them just so you could all go free."

"Yeah," said Viko. "Those assholes even threatened to eat us and make her watch. I say we kill them all!"

Fesdoff said, "So what are we waiting for? Let's go deal with them now while we are still many."

Harry Clearwater watched as Jacquel and the pirates made plans on how to confront the Volturi. He was very upset at the mention of any conflict, but these were vampires that they were dealing with. Vampires were dangerous and their poison was lethal to the Quileutes. He frowned, hoping that none of them would rush into danger before they were ready to.

VOLTERRA

Aro, Caius, and Marcus saw Sulpicia, Athenodora, and the four little vampires staring at them.

They were just discussing the Romanian coven and their plans to take back their empire by force. Which also meant that four tiny children named Jamey Walsh, Poppy & Pansy Brunswick, and Peony Hildebrandt. had been attacked and turned. They were currently living with the wives because the Volturi weren't allowed to see them.

"And why are you all here?" Caius asked.

"We'd like to know what is going on here," said Athenodora.

"Especially since we heard that the Romanians were using those poor little babies to attack us," said Sulpicia. She glared at Marcus and said, "You should have killed them when you had the chance."

Marcus said, "They outnumbered my group; we would have all been killed had we fought."

"Indeed," said Athenodora. "I say we go deal with the Romanians right now. We'll march to their castle and..."

"They're not expecting a home invasion," said Marcus. "They are coming here." The others stared at him with fear. "We have less than several weeks to prepare for what could be a huge bloodbath. Call all our friends and allies. And for once, we shall order Carlisle Cullen to get over his hatred of you and come here. Maybe a battle will end this feud."

"I doubt if he would be willing to come," said Corin as she walked into the room. She said, "I think he already has problems of his own."

Aro stared at her and frowned. He had not heard from Alec, Jane, Demetri, and Felix for a while. And if that were true, then trouble was certainly brewing for the Cullen Clan.

He then said, "New plan: we lure the Romanians to Carlisle's place and then place all blame of Jacquelyn's pain on them. Carlisle is just itching to tear someone apart and with Vlad and Stefan falling into that trap, then we'd taken care of the problem."

"Very good," said Corin, "but before you do that, you have an old score to settle."

"The pirates," said Caius nervously. "They probably haven't forgiven us for threatening them four years ago. If Jacquelyn were to find them, then they would set off to take us down, saving the Romanians the trouble of doing it themselves."

"We should go meet with them," said Aro. "We could gain some allies, if it's not too much trouble." But he knew that the pirates would not be happy until he was destroyed...

IN THE WOODS

The large search party consisting of Cullens and Volturi guards combed through the woods, hoping to find Jacquelyn. But there was no such luck as Bruce and Wayne claimed that she had covered her tracks.

Jane and Rosalie had gotten into a fight regardin Jacquelyn's babies and since then, Jane was not happy. She had exposed a harsh truth about Rosalie and Emmett had overheard that truth. He ran off in anger.

Alec said to Rosalie, "I don't know what part that you might have played in this mischief, but you had better be careful unless you want to be torn to pieces."

"Maybe we should tear her into pieces now and beg Carlisle's forgiveness later?" said Felix.

"Bad idea," said Demetri. "We must ask Aro about his opinion when he next calls. He mus know about this right away."

Meanwhile, Carlisle was muttering to himself "I can't imagine this. Where is that girl? Does she know anyone around here?"

Esme said to him, "Well, she does come from the Quileute tribe, since they're part of her grandmother's family, so she must have ran off to meet them."

Alice gasped and said, "I just saw Tanya heading to the harbor in Port Angeles. She knows about Jacquelyn. We have to beat her there!"

Carlisle snarled at her. "What the hell is she doing in Port Angeles to begin with?"

THE HARBOR-PORT ANGELES

Churnkins said, "Well, we've just about a few hours before we leave, so if there's any last minute trading that we have to do, do it now and get it over with."

Jacquelyn said, "Well, I'm not sure if I can make the voyage. I mean I can, but with my condition..."

"Bad idea for a woman to be traveling with her stomach the size of a watermelon," said Namard. "She be needin' rest, not stress."

"But if I don't get out of here now, then someone could come and take my babies," Jacquelyn cried out.

"We best better make sure that that doesn't happen," said Ragnold. "I fear that there is a sea witch that preys upon young children lurking around here. We must be cautious."

"Or it's Tanya," Jacquelyn snapped as she faced the older vampire.

Emmett took one good look at Tanya; they had not seen each other since that incident 25 years earlier, where Tanya had lied about Jacquelyn being an immortal child and the Volturi had to destroy her for her betrayal. Tanya had also kidnapped Edward during that incident.

He launched himself at Tanya, which sent the two vampires flying over several stall and into a parked car. "How dare you come back here after you betrayed us!" He yelled. "Why are you here? So you can flaunt about how happy you and Edward are?"

"Well," said Tanya, "Edward has left me. He left me, called me a liar, and blamed me for what happened to Jacquelyn. I didn't mean for her to end up hurt."

"BITCH!" Jacquelyn screamed as she pounced on Tanya and slapped her hard across her face. A huge crack appeared on her cheek. "You ruined my life! I had hopes and dreams, I was looking forward to growing up, I wanted to live a decent life! But now I can't, no thanks to you! You're the reason why I'm a vampire!"

"Jacquelyn, listen to me," Tanya said. "Not one day goes by when I haven't thought about you and the other Cullens..."

"SHUT UP!" Jacquelyn screamed in anger as she grabbed Tanya and sent her flying into a food stall. "You not only ruined my life, but you also destroyed the Cullen family! When Carlisle finds out, I hope he tears you into pieces!"

THE HARBOR-PORT ANGELES (Carlisle's POV)

Carlisle gasped as he walked down the pier. Several booths had been destroyed, as were several cars and a window to a restaurant. But that was not the worst of it.

He saw Jacquelyn screaming as she was beating up Tanya Denali.

As quick as a flash, Jasper raced up to her and pulled the pregnant girl away from Tanya. Alice and Esme reached out and held Tanya back before Jacquelyn could get another hit in. Which was a huge mistake because no one anticipated Emmett punching her even harder than Jacquelyn did and the crack on Tanya's cheek grew to cover half her face.

"Calm down, Jacquelyn," Carlisle tried to reason with her. "You must not be so stressed right now."

"She's here," Jacquelyn snapped. "Let me go, Jasper! I'm going to tear her into pieces!"

"Jacquelyn, please don't," Rosalie began, but Jacquelyn turned on her and said, "Shut up, bitch-for-brains! After I get through with Tanya, you're next! I can't believe what you did to Emmett! He was just a happy guy and then you came along and ruined his life!"

Rosalie tried to protest, but the angry looks the pirates gave her shut her up. Just then, Sam, Paul, and Jared showed up. They had been alerted by Harry Clearwater.

Sam looked at Tanya and said, "So this is the straw that broke the camel's back?"

"She tried to kill us all so that she could have Edward for herself," Jacquelyn snapped in anger.

"I see," said Sam. "Paul, Jared, let's tear her into pieces."

"Not until the Volturi get here," said Alec. "I think they should question her themselves."

"Indeed they shall," said Sam, "and they must answer for their crimes against her."

Jacquelyn was not happy; she wanted Tanya and Rosalie gone. But then she slipped from Jasper's grasp and fell to her knees...

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Friday, February 17, 2012

Fantasy Roast #3

Eragon (film)
Image via Wikipedia
The Roast of Eragon
As seen on Fantasy Central
September 15, 2011

Arya: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Fantasy Central Roasting! I'm Arya Stark from "Game of Thrones" and we're coming to you live from Alagaesia! (audience applauds) Anyway, get ready for the roasting of the one and only Eragon Shadeslayer, star of the Inheritance Cycle! (applause from audience as Eragon is brought in by Lyra Belacqua of His Dark Materials and Peeta Mellark of The Hunger Games. He is tied up and has a strip of duct tape across his mouth.) Did you guys really have to tie him up like that?


Lyra: Well, I told him not to sign that gag order, but no, he chose NOT to listen to me! So I guess that he got what he deserved! (audience laughs)


Arya: Ok, since our guest of honor can't speak for himself, please feel free to bash him as much as you like! So are we ready to get this roast going? (audience cheers) Let's get started then! (Lyra and Peeta drag a protesting Eragon to his seat as someone comes to the microphone)


Charlie Bone: Eragon, you think you're so cool, but in reality, you're a douche! (audience laughs) You think you're so cool just because you have a dragon, but I have cool ancestors, unlike your messed-up family! (audience laughs)


Edmund: Out of all the dragon stories that I've read, your story bored me so much that I gave up on fantasy altogether!(audience laughs) And this came from the kid who traded everything for Turkish Delight too! (audience laughs; Eragon frowns, which is hard to do with tape across his mouth)


Harry: Eragon, you have ragged on me for not having dragons in my story, but the truth is, you yourself aren't all that great either, especially since the villain in your story isn't even worth beating to begin with! (audience laughs)

Farid: Eragon, if I had any inkling that you would be the big hero, I thought wrong because all I see here is just a loser with an oversized lizard. (audience laughs)

Percy: Sometimes I wonder if Eragon could fight against Kronos...which would make for a better story! (audience laughs)

Sansa: Going along the lines of that, I must admit that Eragon can't save the world if his life depended on it! (audience laughs) I mean, this guy has a dragon and yet he wins using dumb luck? Come on! How many times have we seen this crap? (audience laughs)

Artemis (Fowl): If I had a dollar for every time that someone mentioned how great Eragon was not, I'd have enough money to buy out his writer! (audience laughs)

Luke Skywalker: Ok, we have an orphaned farm boy who rises up and becomes a great hero. Wait, haven't we seen this before? Oh yeah, that was me! (audience laughs)

Meggie: I once tried to read the books, but everything in them felt so lifeless, like nothing ever came to life! (audience laughs)

Legolas: I don't know what to say about Eragon, but I have some words for his girlfriend...Arya is such a total disappointment. I mean, she's like this super tough warrior but yet she cries for help when Eragon is so freaking incompetent he can't even help himself. Am I right? (audience laughs)

Arya (not Arya Stark): Oh come on guys, Eragon is a hero! Why can't you treat him with respect? If it weren't for him, then you'd all be under the thumb of a horrible tyrant!

Bella: That would be a whole lot better than being saved by a pathetic hero!

Arya (not Arya Stark): And besides, everyone knows that Eragon can take on anyone, villain or no.

Katniss: Oh shut it, you! If Eragon were to compete in the Hunger Games, I'd kill him before the first 5 minutes are over! (audience laughs)

Arya: Well, now that we have heard everyone's honest opinions about Eragon, I guess we'll have a few words from our guest of honor. (applause from audience as Lyra rips the duct tape from Eragon's mouth)

Eragon: Come on guys, I know you were only kidding, right? You wouldn't really be saying those things if Saphira was here, or would you?

Tyrion: Oh, I'm not sure if you should be taking, because I know someone who has the final say on this matter...(Daenerys shows up)

Danny: Well, well, well, if it isn't little dragon failure! I should say that, because I have THREE dragons!

Audience: Oooooooohhhh!

Danny: I'm not done yet! I also must say that I will be better than you on ALL accounts...(just then Kanye West shows up)

Kanye: Eragon, you think you're a great dragon rider, but I have news for you: Hiccup from "How to Train Your Dragon" is a much better dragon rider than you! (audience laughs. Eragon storms off the stage)

Arya: I have to hand it to Eragon; if it weren't for him, we'd never figure out that stories about girls with dragons are so much better, am I right? (audience cheers) Well, I'm Arya Stark and this has been the roasting of Eragon! Goodnight, everyone! (applause from audience. scene fades to black. credits roll)

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Strange Things Happen in Bone Academy Chapter 2

Charlie sat outside of his house, wondering what he was going to do next. He wasn't sure if this was right, with him having to deal with Manfred and the results from that night. 

And there was also the painful fact that he could have lost his parents. But Charlie didn't want to think about that right now. 

Benjamin Brown saw him and said, "What's going on, Charlie?"

Charlie said to him, "Things have gotten really bad since last night."

"Did you succeed?" Benjamin asked. 

"Why does it feel like I lost?" Charlie asked him. 

"Whatever do you mean?" said Benjamin. 

Charlie then told him about the red tree, the strange Evans children, and the fight with Harry Potter. At that, Benjamin said to him, "Well, I bet that it must have irked you to have to face that kid. He must sound like a jerkface."

"He is a jerkface!" Charlie snapped back. "I mean, just because he vanquished some evil wizard when he was a kid doesn't make him great at all! Who did he think he was, anyway?" 

Benjamin said, "What a loser. I bet that he'll be sent to an institution for the criminally insane soon."

"If he gets caught," said Charlie. "Right now, I bet that he's on the run somewhere, as the mayor put a huge bounty on his head and alerted the entire community to what had happened at Bloor's Academy."

"So, do you have school?" Benjamin asked. 

"I'm not sure," said Charlie. "And with any kind of luck, I hope we never go back there. That place is nothing if filled with misery and pain."

"Speaking of which, I heard that the Looms and the Brankos have moved away from here, as have so many other families and other people," said Benjamin. "I guess that things around here have gotten way to weird for them to deal with."

Charlie said, "Well, looks like the less evil endowed I have to deal with, the better."

"But there's still your aunts," said Benjamin. 

"Good point," said Charlie. Changing the subject, he said, "So, where are your parents?"

"The police asked them to help investigate what happened in your school," said Benjamin. "Many of the people who knew that guy were arrested, but they're not talking at all. Plus, they're looking for Miss Something-Or-Other, so they can't be too bothered with other distractions right now."

Charlie nodded; Benjamin's parents were private detectives and they often worked long hours, leaving Benjamin by himself at their home. Sometimes, Charlie would come over Benjamin’s house to keep him company.

Benjamin said, "Can I come in, or is Manfred here?"

"Manfred won't hurt anyone; he's too busy sulking," Charlie said hastily. "But we need to be careful. My parents are here and dad's still trying to recover from what had happened to him years ago. I don't know if he'll recover his memories."

"Maybe he will, and maybe he won't," said Benjamin. "The important thing to remember is that while you may not get your old memories of your father back, you can still create some new memories."

"Yeah," Charlie agreed as both boys walked inside Charlie's house. 

-----

Jason returned to his apartment and was greeted by his children 11-year-old Joseph, 10-year-old Fiona, 8-year-old Madeline, and 5-year-old Maxwell. All four children were slowly recovering from their mother's death when the taxi she was riding in crashed into a freight train a few weeks earlier that month. 

Jason sighed as he took note of the 13-year-old girl sitting by the window. The girl was none other than Jacquel Romanov, who had turned on Harry Potter after being freed by Charlie Bone and his friends. Her brown hair was braided carefully and she was still wearing the same clothes that she was wearing yesterday. 

Jason said to the kids, "I know that we've fallen on hard times since your mother's death, but not to worry, I have some better news for all of you." Everyone stared at him. "I have decided to marry again."

At once, there was a collective "WHAT???" and then a large protest regarding Jason's second marriage. Jacquel stared out of the window, frowning at the rather unwise decision that Jason was making when he chose to remarry one month after his wife's death. Something isn't right in this situation, she mused, and I don't know why. I need to figure out how and why this is happening. 

She clutched a stuffed blue unicorn, since her pet had vanished during the melee that followed the murder of the Bloor family and the ransacking of the school just hours earlier. Many people were arrested, and Jacquel was lucky enough to escape before she was recaptured. 

Jacquel recalled hiding out at the apartment and the curious questions that the neighbors posed about her as she went door-to-door, asking for a safe place to hide. She finally came upon the Rutherford home, which felt ironic because she had vowed to never run and hide like a coward. 

Trichenbergs are not cowards, Nichollo's words were drilled into her head. Jacquel imagined her old guardian berating her for running away. We don't run away and hide; we face whatever is coming at us head on. 

She sighed and climbed from her seat and went straight to the kitchen. There was takeout on the table and the kids were eating silently. This could not be the way that she had envisioned her escape at all.

Jason looked at her and said, "Well, since you're here, I might as well tell you the truth."

"The truth about what?" Jacquel frowned. She seemed to frown a lot these days. 

"Why I'm getting married," said Jason.

"Ok, now where are you going with this?" Jacquel snapped at him angrily.

"My wife is dead and I can't raise my children all by my onesie," said Jason. "Plus, the daughter of my old friend shows up out of the blue and I need to figure out what to do with her."

"So you're getting married just for the money?" Jacquel said disapprovingly.

"I had to marry someone who was rich or my aunt would disinherit me," said Jason. "She never did like Faryn and begged me to divorce her shortly after Joseph was born. But I refused, and for the next few years, she and I were at odds."

"I wouldn’t put it past your aunt to have arranged that accident so that your wife died and with her out of the way, you could marry someone that she approved of," said Jacquel.

"Indeed," said Jason. "And my aunt saw fit to find Venetia Yewbeam. She never did like the Yewbeams, as they did her a great disservice years ago. But enough about that. We have much to discuss."

"Like what?" Jacquel said.

"We need to figure out your new name and change your appearance," said Jason. "Someone is looking for you, and they won't rest until you're back with that Dumbledore guy. I don't know why he insisted on keeping you when he killed your family."

"I could come up with a name easily enough," said Jacquel. "Mayhaps I could call myself Irene? After my mother?"

"Not Irene," said Jason. "Too obvious. Maybe we could call you Katelyn."

"Katelyn?" Jacquel frowned again. "After who?"

"How should I know?" said Jason. "But I know of some people who are in dire need. The Yewbeams are helping them. The woman has expressed a desire to have a child, but because of her age, a pregnancy would not be advisable. So we will claim that you are an orphan and needing a family. Maybe that will work out for you."

"Well," Jacquel said suspiciously, "that could work. After all, I had been raised by an uncle for many years, so maybe a parent would be nice."

"I hoped that you would agree to that," said Jason. "So tomorrow, I shall take you to my aunt and she could fix you up. She’s a great make-up artist and she'll have you looking the part in no time flat. Then you'll be introduced to your new parents. After I am married, the school will be opened up and..."

"You mean you're going to re-open Bloor’s Academy?" Jacquel asked. Everyone stared at her. "I was wondering, since there were two murders committed there, wouldn't they want to shut down the school for good?"

"Maybe," said Jason, "but remember that the school is a part of the town. It would be such a travesty to know that the school had to be shut down for such a morbid reason as murder. But the school will be reopened, and under new management.”

“So, you’re taking over the school?” Jacquel said.

“I’m going to be the new headmaster and I have some plans for the school,” said Jason. “There won’t be any problems when I get through with restarting the school.”

Jacquel nodded, wondering what she was getting herself into. It was one thing to change her name and appearance, but someone could still find her no matter who she called herself. She needed to completely change her entire life as well.

Nichollo won’t approve of this, she mused, and he certainly didn’t approve of my attending the Hundred Heads’ Ball either. But how do I go about creating a new life for myself without having anyone finding out about who I really am?

For once in her life, Jacquel Romanov didn’t know what to do with herself.
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Jacquel Rassenworth & the Hunger Games

Looks like the troublemaking Jacquel Rassenworth is at it again!

This time, she is Jasmine Goldcaster, a 15-year-old orphan girl who has been forced to star in the Hunger Games. She had barely survived the Hunger Games twice, and she certainly doesn't want to do it again. 

But when her younger twin siblings, Jolly and Molly, are drafted to be in the Hunger Games, Jasmine decides to take their place, alongside her good friend Leo Bedlam, another orphan. When the Hunger Games begin, most of the competitors die within the first day. Jasmine is uspet when Leo dies saving her from Peeta Mellark, who had tried to kill Jasmine. She is left with only Honor Brandslayer and Ivy Ragetiger for company. All three decide to get out of the games and escape from Panem.

But once Jasmine meets Peeta with intent to kill him, Peeta makes a deal with her: help him win and he would help her escape. And once Katniss Everdeen gets involved, let's just say that the government won't know what had hit them until it was too late.

Well, all I can say is that while Jacquel loves being part of every popular stoy out there, enough is enough! Can't she get her own series and stop butchering everyone else's?

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Friday, February 10, 2012

FanFiction Trailer #4

Coming soon to a fanfiction website near you...
In a world that has people obsessed with vampires and werewolves, one man sets off to create a truly terrifying creature that would have everyone talking for years to come.

But in the process of creating that creature and its story, he runs into a bit of trouble when the creature comes to life and begins telling him what to do! 
And to make matters worse, the hordes of vampire and werewolf fans are trying to get him to join the craze! 
How ill this play out?
Emmett: I want to play the crazy guy!

Jacquel: No you can't, Emmett. I haven't even gotten the script ready yet!

Sam: So will there be any steamy love scenes in this story?

Jacquel and Emmett: Shut up, Sam!
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How "Game of Thrones" Should Have Ended...(the Ironman Edition)

Well, here's how the story could have ended:

(takes place during Ned's execution)

Cersei: Well, Ned, you tried to expose some rather outrageous secrets about my family. Now why would you do that?

Eddard: Hmmm...your concept of family is rather astounding when you take a look at it. I guess it all boils down to family, am I right?

Cersei: Well...

Eddard: And I do know for a fact that it's our families that keep us right.

Crowd: Get on with it!

Eddard: And I say this to you, Cersei: you have messed with the wolves, now you shall face their teeth and claws!

Cersei: What???

Eddard: I'd like to introduce you to my cousin, Tony Stark! (Iron Man shows up as the Iron Man theme plays. The crowd watches the scene unfold with total awe.)

Iron Man: Cersei Lannister, I heard that you've been messing with my cousin Ned and his family! Now you must pay!

Cersei: What??? (Iron Man beats up Ilyn, Joffrey, and the guards. The crowd is awestruck.) Why are you doing this to me???

Iron Man: By the way, incest is a sin! You're a disgrace to queens everywhere! (punches Cersei across the face. She runs off weeping)

Eddard: Yo, thanks a lot,  Iron Man!

Iron Man: You're welcome, Ned. That'll teach them that nobody messes with the Stark family and lives!

Eddard: Well, now that that's over, you want to grab a drink?

Iron Man: Yeah. (they head to the nearest bar)

(another scene)

Sansa: What happened to you?

Arya: Guess what?  Iron Man showed up and beat the crap out of that stupid Joffrey!

Sansa: Say what now?

Arya: Yeah. Now you don't have to marry Joffrey at all! In fact, we can join the Avengers and save the world!

Sansa: Pass. I'd rather go chase after Loras Tyrell.

Arya: Well, suit yourself then. (addressing the crowd) The Avengers comes into theaters on May 4, 2012! (crowd cheers)
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Fantasy Roast #2

The Roast of Harry Potter
As seen on Fantasy Central
July 15, 2011

Katniss: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Fantasy Central Roasting! I'm Katniss Everdeen of the "Hunger Games" and we're coming to you live from the Great Hall at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry! Magic? Say what, now? (audience laughs) Anyway, get ready for the roasting of the century because we'll be roasting the one and only Harry Potter! (applause from audience as Harry is brought in by Bella Swan of Twilight and Farid of Inkheart. He is tied up and has a strip of duct tape across his mouth.) Bella, what's up with the mouth guard?

Bella: Well, I guess that Harry was so cheap that he didn't pay attention to the fine print in the contract. (audience laughs)

Farid: And he never should have signed that gag order in the first place.

Katniss: Indeed. And since our guest of honor can't speak for himself, please feel free to rag on him as much as you like! So are we ready to get this roast going? (audience cheers) Let's get started then! (Bella and Farid drag a protesting Harry to his seat as someone comes to the microphone)

Lucy: Harry, you are like a total douche. In fact, I know some animals that are better than you! (audience laughs)

Pippin: Out of all the idiots that I have known over the years, you are like the king of the idiots! (audience laughs)

Jacob: Harry, look at you. I totally should have imprinted on you and prevented this "crapilogue" that everyone keeps talking about. (audience laughs)

Eragon: You have no dragons in your story, you don't really beat the bad guy, you act like a whiny bitch, you have no sex appeal, and you suck. (audience laughs) Also, Malfoy never really hated you; he just couldn't stand your ugly FACE! (audience laughs)

Lyra: Harry, you're so pathetic that not even the alethiometer could tell me how to help you. (audience laughs)

Edmund: Harry Potter suffers from acute hero syndrome, which means that he wants to be the hero even when no one else wants him to become one! (silence from audience)

Katniss: Uh, this is supposed to be a roast.

Edmund: But I thought we were on "Intervention"! (audience laughs)

Percy: Harry Potter sucks so much that not even the power of Zeus can help him! (audience laughs)

Aro: We are the Volturi...

Caius: We are the greatest...

Marcus: We're the best vampires in the world.

Aro: But he can't say the same for his story because there are no vampires in his story.

Caius: But there are werewolves. UGH!!

Marcus: None of this matters because we just don't like you at all.

Audience: Ooooooohhhhh!!!

Katniss: Uh, where's the punch line? You guys need to tell a real joke about him.

Caius: Why should we? His whole face is a joke! (audience laughs)

Sansa: Going along the lines of that, I must say that that scar on his head is a total fake! (audience laughs) I mean, I like real guys who have real scars on their faces, as in their evil older brothers shoved their heads into the fire and all...

Sandor: It's true. My brother is a jerk. But I can't say the same for him, since that scar looks like it was drawn using a Sharpie! (audience laughs)

Artemis (Fowl): If I had a dollar for every time that Harry Potter was mentioned in the news, I'd have enough money to buy out his writer! (audience laughs)

Jace: Harry Potter thinks that he's all that and a bag of chips, but I'm Jace Wayland and I say that his story is so lame that not even a demon would dare approach him at all! (audience laughs)

Draco: Ok, everyone, so Harry isn't your perfect hero. I mean, who is? Also, I say that because of him, I have to be referred to as Harry Potter's Slave, since he treats me like I'm a total jerkface! (audience laughs) All I wanted was to be his friend, but then he turned around and threw it back in my face! So what does this say about your hero now?

Audience: Oooooohhhhh!!

Draco: I'm not finished yet! Harry Potter, you're so arrogant that you made my father look better than Fabio! (audience laughs)

Sansa: I just remembered something: why does Harry Potter look like John Lennon? I mean, he looks like that famous Beatle instead of a regular kid. Glasses? Round-shaped glasses? C'mon! Those things were so 1970's! What a shame that fame doesn't make you look good! (audience laughs)

Aria: Well, I bet that if "A" were to send Harry a text, he'd go all ballistic and try to hex everyone whose name starts with "A". Starting with that Dumbledore guy. (audience laughs)

Annabeth: Harry Potter saves the world and gets someone's little sister? Can you say ick? (audience laughs)

Meggie: I tried to read the Harry Potter books once, but it felt like I was just reading gibberish because nothing in the books came to life! (audience laughs)

Zoey Redbird: Harry, I heard that your last movie bombed so hard that it brought about someone else's comeback! (audience laughs)

Alex Rider: How dare Harry Potter call himself great when I kick butt and take names! (audience laughs)

Hermione: OK, everyone, why are you ragging on him? I get it, I get it, Harry has done some stupid things in his life!

Audience: Get on with it!

Hermione: Anyway, he doesn't know how to treat people right. I mean, what's with the "human hosepipe" remark? That line sent Cho packing when he needed her the most. And don't even get me started on Ginny, OK?

Ron: Hermione has accused me of having the emotional range of a teaspoon, but I can freely say that Harry's level of love and compassion is at a -50%.

Audience: Ooooohhhh!

Katniss: What a shame; Harry is being ragged on by his closest friends. Speaking of which, I'd like to call up some people who have had the displeasure of being overlooked by Harry Potter fans.

Violet: Harry Potter thinks his life is messed up because of a bald guy. I have to deal with an evil count whose eye followed you everywhere. (audience laughs)

Legolas: Harry's little friend is an elf named Dobby. Like seriously! I'm an elf! He's just a poor excuse for a goblin! (audience laughs) He's no Gollum, but Dobby is quite annoying! (audience laughs)

Max: Harry goes to a magic school? Sheesh Louise! I go to an even better school than him! (audience laughs)

Billy (Raven): Speaking about that, I go to a school that deals with fine arts, but the real deal is our endowments, which Harry doesn't have because he has no real magical powers! (audience laughs)

Gale: If Harry were to compete in the Hunger Games, I bet that he'd be beaten down before the first 5 minutes are over! (audience laughs)

Katniss: Well, I guess what we mean to say is that Harry just isn't all that great if we are roasting him, right? (audience laughs) So anyway, I guess we'll have a few words from our wonderful guest of honor. (applause from audience as Bella rips the duct tape from Harry's mouth)

Harry: Oh hahahahaha! Is that what everyone actually thinks of me? As a loser? Well, I have news for you: my story roocks and yours suck!

Sansa: How?

Harry: Because I'm Harry Potter!

Tyrion: Oh, Harry, you think you're all cool, but I'm Tyrion Lannister and I'm even cooler than you are!

Audience: Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh!

Tyrion: And guess what? I may be a dwarf, but at least I can make up for it by spouting awesomeness at any given moment. And you can't. So who's the real genius now? Not you, that's for sure! (audience laughs)

Harry: Well, why are you all snapping on me? If it weren't for me, then you wouldn't be here, right?

Frodo: Sorry Harry, but I was here first.

Tim Hunter: So was I.

Charlie Bone: And in thanking you for ruining our lives just to make yours so great, I must say this (a tank appears): TANKS FOR NOTHING!!! (A huge snake slithers out of the tank and chases Harry, Ron, and Hermione. they run off the stage screaming their heads off)

Katniss: Well, we never saw this coming, or did we...say what? (audience laughs) Well, I'm Katniss Everdeen and this has been the roasting of Harry Potter! See you later! (applause from auidence. scene fades to black. credits roll)

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Friday, February 03, 2012

Demigods Rock part 3

Percy Jackson
Image via Wikipedia
Percy: Weren't those nomads just annoying?

Grover: You said it!

Annabeth: Not to mention that that bad boy James was just a big faker looking for attention.

Luke: Who does he think he is, anyway?

Claude: I think he's an idiot who uses his bad-boy behavior just to get some girls.

Percy: You're right, Claude. He is a jerk.

Grover: I can't stand that Laurent character; he talks funny.

Luke: At least he doesn't sound like that French knight in Monty Python.

Victoria: Yeah. Now *that's* an annoying character.

Annabeth: Speaking of annoying, I say Victoria is nothing more than an evil witch.

Katelyn: And you know how she is...all talk and no action.

Percy: No wonder why they are called the Annoying Nomads!

Luke: And this is by far the worst we had to deal with. Well, next to Kronos, that is.

Percy: I wonder who's next to bother us.

Katelyn: I can think of some people who are dying to annoy you.

Grover: And don't you kids have a story to do?

Victoria: I don't know why we're being featured in a little-known fandom to begin with. What's going on with that?

Annabeth: Charlie Bone? Well, I can't believe that we have a movie and that story doesn't.

Claude: Yeah! Hey Hollywood, why you no make Charlie Bone movie?

Katelyn: My point exactly. Now we have a movie to make, but we won't leave you guys alone for too long.

Grover: I hope not.

Luke: So who's the new person that's coming to annoy us? (everyone glares at him)

Percy: You just had to ask that question, didn't you?
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